down again, but not out for the count

Among the chaos that I have been learning to handle, there is this one that I just can not seem to get a hold on. Just like thousands of young Americans who have spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education, I can't seem to land the job that makes it all worth it, yet.

I will say that even though this path has been extremely discouraging and challenging, I have learned not to give up. It is quite difficult to see where you are going to end up when nothing has really started. I have become sure about few things I do not want to work in retail ANYMORE and going to grad school isn't going to fix this. I don't really know what I want to do and I am spending more money to figure it out just yet is not the answer.

A few month ago I was in a really bad place trying to figure out my employment path. I wasn't sure of my options because I have worked in retail since I was 14. Outside of internships, whose credibility expired 2 years ago upon graduation, I did not have much office experience. I went on countless interviews and just never go the job, I felt like an idiot. I also felt like I was in a position, where  I needed to get out of retail or I was going to end up there forever!! Not that is a bad thing ... but I struggled to see the growth I made since I was 14 and I didn't feel challenged enough. Yea, I have an eye for fashion, which wasn't helping my bank account,  but I wasn't using my brain or my talents..

So long story short, I ended up getting a Temp potion at a meeting planning company, which is a job opportunity that I never knew existed. Not only was I going to be gainfully employed in an office for 6 months making decent money, but I was also going to get the opportunity to go to San Francisco and assist running the Conference. I thought this was a win, win; I would get to refine my office skills and do a little traveling, and who knows maybe even get that interesting office job I was looking for.

Well, the conference is in about a month and I have worked my hardest always asking for extra work and making sure every report was pulled correctly. I even had the conversations, "How is my performance? Is there anything I can do better?" Nothing was ever mention except wonderful things,  "you are doing so well, your a very hard worker." Not that I thought getting a job was a guarantee, but I at least thought I had a fair shot at being asked to stay for another conference. At least that is what I anticipated, until last week they informed us they did not receive any of the bids that were out to get new conferences for the fall. Basically there was no new work coming in and without new work how are you going to keep temps?!?!

With all of this looming, I AM FREAKING OUT...Yet, again back to the drawing board... No advancements towards a career and no plan. And let me tell you guys life is getting more expensive, my responsibilities are getting greater, and that pay check has not increased since graduation day. This is a situation that most young adults are faced with now, feeling the pressure of being successful but not quite seeing the path you are supposed to be on to get there. And isn't it really just a slap in the face to know that there are people out there that have figured it out.

For all those lost souls out there, I have been doing a lot of self searching and have come to these conclusions that will help me through the upcoming stages of finding that next job. We are only in our 20's, this is the time to try things figure it out, screw it up and start over. I would much rather be figuring it out now than in my 30's that is for sure. Plus your still at a point where you can ask for help and still have a good time while figuring it out. We can put the pressure on ourselves to be super successful in split second, but society is different now we are not going to all have it figured out by 25. But I believe if we put in the time and the effort eventually everything will fall in to place the way it is supposed to. The road may seen longer than ever, but don't give up, there are way more of us out than and lost than you think.

It's my Turn NOWW

When you graduate college everyone thinks life is supposed to get so much better... no more papers to write or grades to receive; instead it is a whole new world, that is supposed to be full of opportunity. Getting a job, earning money and living YOUR life, which you probably dreamed about since you were 15. Some of us ever younger. If I could tell myself two years ago to SLOW DOWN and not want graduation so bad, I would. This is not to say that I did not party like crazy and make so many great memories, but once graduation day was over I felt LOST....

I know life has ups and downs and ins and outs, but it is learning to over come those things to be a bigger and stronger person that really knocks you out. Believe me I've had my fair share of let downs since graduation day....every path I was on turned out somehow not to be the right one and I was left to pick myself up and figure out how to continue on. Now some of these were extremely unexpected and some were my own bad choices. I was forced to learn things I never thought I would .... Now two years later I find myself boyfriend less, no occupational future, and broken.

Over the past two years I have been in an out of jobs. I have learned how to handle getting fired, living unemployed and how to over come a shitty work environment. I racked up credit card debit you would not believe because I refuse to accept that I cant live the way I want to, which all lead to saving next to nothing or figuring out some way to blow everything. Living at the chaos at home does not help make anything seem easier. Lastly, I trusted someone deeply and gave him my whole heart and we were together for 6 years I thought we made it through the challenge of time and had experience things most people would never understand....Everything I did for him was supposed to be forever, at least I though it was until he woke up one day and said he didn't love me .... turns out he was a liar and a cheater.  He walked away from everything our savings, the car I helped him get, our past memories and the future we have planned together, all for a girl that made his lunch at the nearby deli. Not quite the catch I though I invested that much time in.

I look at this path and know there are people out there dealing with way worse, but I also look at it and think what the heck have you accomplished in 2 years that was worth spending 40 grand a year on school for....NOTHING

However, in a weird way it is the first time I slowed down and noticed something was not right with myself, I had been spending so much time trying to help everyone around me that I wasn't paying enough attention to my own problems. As my mom said Brittany, "Now all the temporary bandaids you have been putting on for two years are off. All your wounds are open and instead of looking to someone else to fill the void.... It is up to you to fix yourself and figure out what you want." One of the biggest lessons this journey has taught me that you are the only one that cares about your personal journey because guess what, nothing and no one in life is a guarantee except YOURSELF.

With this blog I want to share some of the struggles that I am going through and how I learned from all of the spears life has thrown at me, which I definitely did not plan on. I am on a path to find myself, get back to my roots and do what I enjoy or I want to do. In a weird way I am excited and scared shitless about all of this change, but I want to share it.